Okay, I'm not expecting anyone to read through all of this and I'm not looking for sympathy either, this isn't a sob story. I just feel better writing about this and getting it off my chest.
When I was about 15 I started becoming really self concious and critical of myself, I had a nice group of friends but I was bullied at school and seen as a weirdo, mainly because I liked rock music and wore a lot of black, but the people at school bullying me don't have much of an affect on me now that I realise that I don't value their opinions because none of them know me and I really don't know them, back then they were just being cruel for fun and it did affect me then. It gave me so much anxiety and I viewed school as such a negative place, I faked being sick and skipped classes all the time to not go there. I used to go to the library for lunch to avoid being around people because the paranoia and anxiety I used to get killed me. I used to run out of class and go to the bathroom whenever I'd have a panic attack, which happened a lot more than it should have.
Apart from school my group of friends turned out to not be so friendly after all, when my ex and I broke up they all took his side and said the most horrible abusive things to me about my appearance and weight, and even my personality. That ruined me. That was 5 years ago nearly and I still sometimes think about their comments, I still have a guard up around people and I still get self concious about things they pointed out to me. My personality changed a lot then. I became shy and quiet, and very introverted, I wasn't into making new friends or hanging out with people, I preferred being a recluse and being invisible to people.
I stayed very much to myself until I started college and was forced to make new friends. I was also talking to this guy and we were flirting a lot, that brought me out of my shell and gave me new found confidence. The people at college were so nice and they all were so friendly. I began to hang out with them often, even if was just for lunch or parties and I really enjoyed going to college every day to see them. I became a lot more sure of myself and a lot more confident. I stopped criticising everything I did.
Then, I got a boyfriend. And that's where I really stopped caring about what other people thought. Well, I still cared, just not as much. He gave me the sweetest compliments and he actually listened and cared when I told him personal stories about myself. He gave me more love than I had ever had in my life. And yes, that includes my family, they may love me but they never show it. He did show it, all the time, and it made me feel so good about myself. I stopped caring about what others thought regarding how I dressed and how I looked. It's weird but when I was with him he made me so confident that I actually started being myself without being afraid of what people thought of me. For the first time in my life I felt that I was me and it felt amazing. If I could be myself around him I could be myself to everyone else, I thought. So I started to wear what I want without being worried about people staring at me or criticising me. I went places with messy hair and no make up sometimes, not caring what people thought because he told me I was beautiful. And for someone with a lot of acne scars, spots, and redness that's a brave thing to do, for me anyway. I stopped obsessing so much over my weight, I gained weight, I lost weight, but I didn't hate myself because of it, if I gained too much weight I dealt with it instead of being too harsh on myself over it.
The whole relationship just made me feel so free. And it's insane how one person can change you so much. I became such a better version of myself when I was with him. I had so much love to give and I was receiving so much love in return. He always encouraged me and supported me and he helped me get better and love myself, which I had never done before. It's so crazy to think that before I met him I was a completely different person.
I'll never be more thankful of someone. He really helped me so much to be myself and not think so negatively of myself, and not let other people affect how I feel about myself, he always told me that I was better than that. And I think everyone is better than that. Nobody should let other people affect how they feel about themselves, in a bad way.
Everyone should realise that life is so much better when you stick to who you really are without being critical towards yourself or worrying over what everyone else thinks. You just have to be you and once you start being yourself the right people will come along and love who you are and it will make you feel so much better not having to hide who you really any more. It will truly set you free and lift a massive weight off your shoulders. It did for me anyway.
Okay so that's that. I just wanted to write all of that and be positive. I have been feeling very negative about myself recently, things just having been working out for me, so I felt that I needed to write this post on how I became a positive person in the first place and how good it is, so that I don't fall back into being a negative person. If you follow me on twitter you'll probably know I've been very negative recently but I am trying to keep positive and remember to just focus on myself and not what others think of me. I know it's not a very good post, it's just me rambling on about things and I may delete it at some point but I just needed to write it now and feel better. And it did make me feel better. I just hope that if anyone is feeling how I was that they get some kind of hope from reading this and realise that things will get better and work out well for you if you just stay true to yourself and stay positive.
Thanks for reading
x
